


Leaving For Sure (This Place Is Great, Let's Never Come Back)

by quiet__tiger



Series: Just a Typical Day on the Enterprise [2]
Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Anal Sex, Crack, Episode Related, Established Relationship, Fantasy Fulfillment, Fluff, Humor, I'm A Doctor Not A, M/M, Oral Sex, POV Alternating, Quests, Threesome - M/M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-01
Updated: 2020-01-01
Packaged: 2021-02-27 12:29:18
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 15,490
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22027102
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/quiet__tiger/pseuds/quiet__tiger
Summary: "This'll be great, Bones! Beautiful planet, uninhabited, peaceful."The best laid plans, and all that.  But how were they supposed to know how the planet worked?Or, Jim gets his wish, everyone gets more than they asked for, and why can't Leonard ever actually have a good time?
Relationships: James T Kirk/Leonard "Bones" McCoy/Leonard "Bones" McCoy, James T. Kirk/Leonard "Bones" McCoy, Montgomery "Scotty" Scott/USS Enterprise, Spock/Nyota Uhura
Series: Just a Typical Day on the Enterprise [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1585441
Kudos: 29





	Leaving For Sure (This Place Is Great, Let's Never Come Back)

**Author's Note:**

> Based loosely on the TOS episode "Shore Leave." Spoilers for the reveal of the episode, but not for the actual events of that episode.
> 
> Sequel to [Bothered and Bewildered](https://archiveofourown.org/works/21300554).
> 
> Jim and Bones are the main pairing; the others are implied.

_"This'll be great, Bones! Beautiful planet, uninhabited, peaceful."_

_"Oh, come on, you can't really think there's actual Georgian peaches."_

_"Well, how was I supposed to know Sulu has some weird-ass crush on some ancient actor I've never heard of? And what kind of a name is Errol?"_

_"No, I didn't know Spock had a pet Sehlat as a kid. We play chess and discuss work, not dissect our childhoods. I think we each try to avoid that as much as possible."_

_"Why do you think I would know Chekov was bullied at the academy for being so young? I never saw those guys in his face."_

_"No, I didn't know Uhura's grandma is hot. And no, I don't know Swahili."_

_"If I had known the planet was going to manifest my thoughts, do you really think I would have thought about Frank?"_

_"Yes, I knew Scotty is in love with the_ Enterprise _. No, I didn't think he had goddamn blueprints or whatever made up for a living, breathing, human female version. The only crew member's sex life I'm interested in is yours."_

This was the worst goddamn shore leave ever, despite Jim's initial words and attempts to placate Leonard after every weird manifestation. Planet Omicron Delta whatever, where apparently a machine read your thoughts and created whatever you were thinking about at the moment. It was supposed to be fun and relaxing and a stress reliever.

Leonard was damn glad it had picked up on the peaches, and not sitting under one of the trees and proposing to Jocelyn.

He did _not_ need the trauma of Jim meeting her in any form.

Despite wanting to strangle Jim, it was pretty cool--not that he'd admit it--to have a room in an honest-to-God castle. There was a huge fireplace with a roaring fire, and leaded stained glass windows, and on one wall a mosaic of a knight battling a dragon. Apparently young Jim had fantasies of being a king when he was a kid, and when asked what kind of accommodations to create for the crew for this leave, this is what had popped into his head.

Fortunately the plumbing was modern, and there was electricity, despite the lit torches set into the walls.

Jim finally came out of the bathroom in pajama pants, toweling his hair dry. How he could make that look sexy was beyond Leonard. Maybe it was how relaxed he was? Clean and happy and smiling at him?

"You look nice, Jim."

"Why, thank you. I tried. I even ate a vegetable for you today."

Rolling his eyes, Leonard answered, "Be still, my heart."

"Hold that thought."

"The thought of cardiac arrest? On this planet that's damn dangerous."

"Just--you know what I mean."

"I really, really don't."

Kneeling then sitting on the stupidly large bed, Jim took Leonard's hands. "We're on a planet that grants wishes."

"And nightmares."

_"Wishes."_

"Fine. Fantasy fulfilment."

"Right. Before that whole thing with your patients falling in love with you--"

Sighing, Leonard interjected, "The Love Potion Disaster, yes."

Jim squeezed his hands. "Right before that, I told you I had a fantasy."

"About sex in your chair on the bridge. You bring this up every couple of weeks. Even if we recreate it here, it wouldn't be the same."

"Not that fantasy." His stupidly blue eyes looked so hopeful, but Leonard had no memory of what fantasy Jim was trying to get him to remember. "You and me." His eyebrows raised in encouragement. Leonard stared back, eyebrow cocked. Finally Jim made a face. "You and me. And you."

 _Ohhhhhhhh, yeah, no._ "I don't think so, Jim." _That would be...really weird._

"Oh, come on. Please? We can actually do it. No time travel, no dimensions, no weirdness. Just you and me and a different you."

Leonard winced. "He's already here, isn't he."

"Well, what do you think took me so long in the shower? The idea popped into my head and then he poofed into existence in front of me, and, well…"

"You didn't… You know. Did you?"

"Oh, no. No, no, no. That would be weird."

"And having a threesome with myself isn't weird?"

"It'll be so hot, Bones. I can't even think about how hot it's going to be because I'm going to come in my pants." The eyes got wider, and his lower lip stuck out. "Pllleeeeaasse?"

"For Pete's sake, Jim. Fine. If it will make you stop looking at me all pathetic." He really needed to build up a defense system against Jim's ‘pathetic' face. But if he didn't have one after all this time...

And that damn smile when he got his way… Who could say no to him? Certainly they had to be stronger than Leonard H. McCoy. Unless they were on duty. Then Leonard had the satisfaction of saying ‘no' to Jim all the time. "You're not gonna regret this, Bones." Then he yelled across the room, "Come on out!"

"We'll see about that." And he turned towards the bathroom door, curious as to how his other self would be dressed, if he were dressed at all.

To his surprise, it wasn't _him_ that stepped out of the bathroom. Well, it was, but not the him on the five year mission with Jim, the one who'd been transported all over half the galaxy, been on dozens of planets, helped countless crew members and aliens in his sickbay.

The him shyly crossing the room was wearing a gray Starfleet Academy t-shirt with maroon lettering, and red boxers. His hair looked a little too long to be regulation, like he hadn't had time to get it cut between classes and homework and shifts at the hospital. It was clearly Leonard at the Academy, but Leonard hoped he didn't have that dopey ‘I have a crush' expression on his face during school.

"Do you recognize him, Bones?"

"It's me."

Jim rolled his eyes. "No. I mean, yes. It's you. But do you remember from when?"

"The Academy."

"You are terrible at this game." He gestured to his counterpart as he added, "Think of me sprawled out on my bed, eating lo mein and bitching about having to choose between going to Iowa for the holiday break or staying on campus by myself."

Gradually the memory came back to Leonard. "I'd been waiting for you to come home, so I could tell you the good news, but figured I should use the time to shower. You'd come home with food in the meantime, and I let you bitch until you finally saw me smile at you."

"About what?"

"I had just passed my flight sims. Not quite flying colors but pretty damn good for a guy who could barely get on a shuttle a year and a half before. I told you, and you finally really turned and really looked at me, and you started smiling even bigger than I was. And you said--"

"I said you were gonna be my CMO when I got my own ship. Because passing the sims meant you could come into space with me, and all that time we spent making sure you would pass was all worth it, and we'd be together."

"Jim, this is a…" There was a feeling in Leonard's chest. "This is a very specific version of me. A very specific memory."

Jim held his hands again. "It's the first time I let myself think I could love you. Before that, if you couldn't join me out in the black, I couldn't let myself get too close. You were my friend, and I loved you like that, but if we weren't meant to be together, then I couldn't let myself fall for you. Not all the way. Because I couldn't bear the thought of leaving you, or you leaving me." He smiled. "You were so happy with yourself, and I never get to see that enough. Especially not then."

When the wounds from his divorce and his life's upheaval were still too raw for him to let himself feel much good at all. How Jim had stuck with him through that first year, and still wanted to room with him again the following year, was beyond his understanding… But then again Jim was broken inside a little bit, too. So their broken pieces eventually came together to form what they had now. Maybe now they were finally a complete person.

A jigsaw puzzle of a generic human with cartoony sutures connecting its left and right halves popped into existence on the bed next to them.

"What the hell, Bones?"

"I hate this planet."

"You say that about everything. Even me. And I'm pretty sure you don't hate me."

"I don't. I never could."

"So can we...." Jim wiggled his eyebrows suggestively. "I'll make it worth your while…"

"Loving you is always worth my while."

~*~

See, it was sappy words like those that were part of why Jim had kept coming back to Bones, even when he was at his worst that first year. Despite having taken years to actually get together, there had been glimpses early on, if Jim had bothered to look for them or recognize them.

But when Bones had come out of the shower that day, whatever personal crummy thoughts Jim had been having and drowning in lo mein had fallen away completely. Bones was actually _happy_ about the ability to go out into space, something Jim wasn't sure he'd've thought would happen if he didn't see it with his own eyes. The slightly shaggy hair dripping in his face and the pajamas helped the image, too. A happy, relaxed Bones sharing good news.

The extra beat of his heart and the resulting warmth in his belly had been, for the first time, not ignored or shoved down. _Maybe there was a future here after all._

All of it led to where Jim was now, his current, mission-hardened Bones looking at him skeptically, while his younger, less confident self watched them both warily. He pulled his hands away from Bones and clapped them together. "So! What do we all want to do together?"

If Bones rolled his eyes much harder, he would probably strain his optic nerve, if that were possible. "Well, gee, Jim, being as you've created your own porno for us to act out… Let's work on this puzzle I conjured."

A quiet voice at Jim's side asked, "So in the future, we're together?"

 _Oh, right._ Jim turned towards Academy!Bones and reached out to him, pulling him onto the bed. "Like I said when you asked where we were and why I looked older, I _am_ older. A few years older. That's how long it took us to finally get together because we were trying to be so careful and stubborn. And now here we are!"

Academy!Bones had this incredulous look on his face that Jim wanted to kiss away. "I guess I never really thought… Why me?"

 _"Because_." It was a little frustrating having to explain this all over again. "You saw me at my worst and you still came back to me. You fought your phobias to be able to come into space with me. You love me enough to stay with me even when I'm a dick. We were always meant to be together, we were just too stupid to do it."

Still adorably shy, Academy!Bones asked, "Can I…?"

"Anything you want."

The press of his lips against Jim's was of course familiar but weirdly new. He didn't know how Jim liked to be kissed, and wasn't prepared for how aggressively Jim kissed him back, wanting to chase away that shyness. After a minute or so he finally got on the clue-shuttle and climbed on top of Jim, barely able to hold back a smile as if he were finally getting everything he ever wanted but hadn't quite realized he needed. Eventually the familiar push and pull started to turn Jim on even more.

Pulling back, Jim said cheekily, "If I had known you were this good a kisser back then, I might not have held myself back."

"I wouldn't let you get this close. We're friends. You're my only friend. I don't like being privy to your hookups, but I don't want to ruin what we have, either. But that doesn't mean I don't _want_."

Jim walked himself back on his hands, Academy!Bones following him down, until they were lying on the bed, rocking together as the boxers and pajama pants really left nothing to the imagination, especially with the full-body flush Jim could feel all the way down his front.

Academy!Bones sat up to pull off his t-shirt and Jim couldn't help but stare, not that his Bones had let himself go or anything but there were just enough differences to remind him that this wasn't _his_ Bones.

As if he needed the reminder, a somewhat sardonic clearing of a throat prefaced, "So I guess I'll just sit here and work on this puzzle."

"Bones! Get your ass over here. ...and your cock, too. I'm gonna want that in a little bit."

"The things I do for you." Bones lay down next to Jim, then rose up on an elbow to lean over his chest and start the little bites he did sometimes that turned Jim on to no end. His other hand slid down into Jim's pants and gave him a friendly squeeze that made him gasp. "You are so easy."

"Yeah, not everyone would be turned on by two versions of their boyfriend both all over him." Academy!Bones got up off of Jim so he could tug down his pants. Jim raised his hips, pushing himself hard into Bones's hand while his pants were slid down his legs. Academy!Bones, obviously a quick study as if Jim had any doubt, pushed Jim's knees apart and started doing the same little lick-suck-bites to the inside of his thighs.

Bones finished sucking on one of his nipples before answering, "Maybe it takes two of us to satisfy you. I'm not enough anymore."

"If i survive this encounter, I guess we'll find out." _As if Bones could ever not be enough_. But then there was a hand rolling his balls while another stroked him, while both Boneses sucked subtle marks into his skin, and it was almost embarrassing how close he already was. He panted out, "You both better stop if you don't want this to be over." He opened his eyes in time to see Academy!Bones look over to Bones and raise an eyebrow in question.

"He can come again, I've brought him off twice plenty of times." To Jim he said, "Don't be so dramatic." To Academy!Bones, he said, "Go ahead and get a taste."

 _And oh my_ God Bones was going to kill him--one or both of them, Jim didn't know, because Academy!Bones went to his cock right away and took it in his mouth without hesitation. It wasn't as expert as his Bones was, of course, but Academy!Bones had the advantage of Jim getting kissed at the same time, Bones licking inside his mouth and making him whimper at the dual sensations.

The kiss was somehow filthier than getting sucked off; he couldn't explain it even if he had his brains in his head and not in his cock. Bones sucked on his tongue and bit his lip and Jim would have been ridiculously turned on just from that, but then with Academy!Bones laving him with his tongue when he wasn't twisting his head and following his hand up and down what he couldn't reach…

Jim would be embarrassed at the sounds he was making, at the way he couldn't stop writhing on the bed, except that having two of Bones on him was the best thing _ever_ and he didn't really care if the entire crew and planet knew he was getting blown within an inch of his life. His body hitched and twisted and his legs started to shake, and he had to pull away from Bones so he could breathe. Bones just took the opportunity to suck and bite his way down Jim's torso again, adding more stimulation to sensitive skin. Over his panting he heard Bones say, "Press underneath," and then he was back to sucking on a nipple as Academy!Bones rubbed at the perfect spot right behind his balls as he slid his lips and tongue back down his cock and...and…

He came hard with a groan, shaking even as he heard coughing and friendly snickering. "Yeah, sometimes it's a lot." As he twitched and came down, caught his breath, both sides of the bed next to him dipped. Academy!Bones pulled his chin so he could kiss him, while Bones leaned up over him. "I take it you liked that?"

"Nnnrrggghhh." How the hell was he supposed to form words after _that_?

With a chuckle, Bones said, "Hurry up and bounce back. It's our turn to get inside you."

_"NNNRRGGHHH."_

~*~

Seeing Jim blissed out already, sandwiched between them like the most satisfied little cream filling, was helping Leonard get on board with this whole threesome-with-himself thing. At least, a little bit. Anything that made Jim practically purr like that…

He looked over at his counterpart, who was watching Jim in wonder, having never seen him like this. He couldn't help but agree, "He's too pretty, isn't he?"

"I can't believe I get to have this. At least for now." He met Leonard's eyes. "I know it's only temporary."

"Everything in life is temporary."

"Do I always sound so jaded?"

"It comes and goes." The words were followed by a self-deprecating smile.

"Could you guys not rain on my parade?" Jim wiggled like he was trying to stretch but realized he had no room.

Leonard leaned over to press a kiss to Jim's temple. "You know I can't turn it off."

Sighing, Jim answered, "I know." He wiggled again, finally making it up onto his elbows. "So let me take your mind off the weight of the-- _Enterprise_ \--on your shoulders. Who wants to be inside me? Show of hands."

Leonard met his counterpart's eyes again. "He can't talk if your dick is in his mouth. I believe that was _my_ favorite part of this fantasy."

His counterpart looked down at Jim, who smiled lazily at him. Encouraged by that smile, he asked, "You want to blow me?"

"Even more than I did that night."

Groaning, Leonard's counterpart repeated, "I really can't believe I get to have this. Have you."

"Come here." Leonard watched again as his counterpart and Jim exchanged more kisses, knowing it would be stupid to be jealous of himself. It was certainly a unique perspective, watching himself makeout with his boyfriend. He had to admit it was turning him on, listening to himself moan as Jim kissed and touched him.

He was going to develop some sort of complex, he just knew it.

Jim rolled his counterpart onto his back and stripped off his boxers at the same time. He kissed and licked his way down his torso, managing to hit all of Leonard's hot spots while maintaining eye contact. He adjusted them until he was between his legs, knees pushed up. Instead of acknowledging the hardon next to his face, he started sucking at the spot where leg and hip and torso met, earning himself a hard moan.

But then he pulled his head up and looked over at Leonard. "Bones, are you just gonna watch?"

That would… That would be weird, yeah. "I assume your fantasy included lube somewhere in this castle?"

"In the side table." He went back to worrying a bruise into Leonard's counterpart, while Leonard twisted around to find lube. He was relieved to find it was modern lube, not whatever would have been used during the time of the castle.

He pulled off his own t-shirt and pajama pants, plenty warm now between the activities and the fire across the room. Behind Jim, he looked down the long expanse of Jim's muscled back to the way his head was bobbing in his counterpart's lap, knees held apart by Jim's hand and shoulder. His counterpart looked as if he didn't know what to do with his hands, and just kept clenching them against the sheets. Taking pity, he told him, "You can tug, a little bit." Immediately one hand went into Jim's hair and Jim moaned around his cock.

If Jim was that coherent, then clearly they were not doing a good job of keeping him quiet. He pushed Jim's knees apart a little bit, giving himself more space but trying not to lose Jim's leverage. He knew Jim would be giving his counterpart the best, most methodically teasing and drawn out blowjob ever, especially given the circumstances, so he took his time preparing him. At the first finger Jim hissed, and Leonard gave him a friendly smack and warned, "Be careful of your teeth on him. You know I don't like it."

With a wet pop Jim pulled off again and acknowledged, "I know that. Quit teasing and put it in me."

He was going to argue about how bossy Jim was when he bottomed, but Leonard was guilty of the same thing, so he let it go, instead adding another finger without enough lube. He was gentle after that, though, despite being distracted by being able to see his own reactions to getting blown. He wasn't normally narcissistic, but he looked pretty darn hot at the moment, skin pink and with a slight sheen of sweat as he panted and moaned.

He was definitely going to develop a complex.

But finally he deemed Jim loose enough to move forward without hurting him, so he got behind him and lined himself up, wrapped his hands around Jim's hips, and pressed his way inside.

~*~

Jim was never leaving this bed.

He was going to stay in this fabulous bed, on this amazing planet, with his sexy boyfriends forever.

That was it.

He'd send for his stuff on the ship.

Spock would be great in command.

They'd just need a source of food. He was maybe a little hungry…

"Jim, why the hell did a tray of pancakes just materialize on the side table?"

"Mrrrrggghhmmm."

"You are ridiculous." Bones emphasized his words with a hard thrust, and Jim had to be careful not to bite down on Academy!Bones. When Bones had first worked his way inside, he'd taken a break to both relax his jaw and also get himself adjusted. But he realized this position wasn't quite going to work.

Pulling off of Academy!Bones again with a pop, he asked him, "Can you get on your knees?"

A groggy answer came. "Sure."

Seated more upright was definitely better, and Jim let himself enjoy the feeling of Bones inside him and the weight of Academy!Bones in his mouth, slowly rocking into him as he took it.

But when Bones was able to get a rhythm going Jim went back to his task of driving Academy!Bones crazy. He tried to remember if at this point in time Bones had gotten laid at all recently, but he couldn't remember. Bones had been kind of quiet about his sex life, or at least moreso than Jim had ever been.

Even if he'd gotten laid the night before, Jim wanted Academy!Bones to remember _him_. He knew he was certainly enjoying himself, the scent of sex, the feel of Academy!Bones's cock in his mouth, the sounds he was able to draw from him as he performed all the tricks he knew Bones liked.

He could almost sort of forget Bones being inside him, moving unhurriedly as he clearly enjoyed himself, or at least Jim hoped he was having as good a time as he was. He was trying not to let himself enjoy it too much, though, because how embarrassing would it be to come again so soon after already finishing? Especially without anyone touching his cock? But the way Bones squeezed his hip, rubbed his back, changed his angle whenever Jim moaned encouragingly...

He wasn't sure how long it was before Bones asked, "You almost there?" Jim shook his head without pulling off, drawing another moan from Academy!Bones. "Not you."

After a shaky exhale, Academy!Bones answered, "Been trying not to come for a few minutes. He's really good." There was another salty pulse on Jim's tongue.

"I know. When he wants to, he really applies himself." Jim couldn't be bothered to be insulted. "I'm getting close, too. I don't know if we can time it?"

"We can try?" Jim was going to die of sexiness overload. This was it.

"Okay, just… Jim, keep working on him, okay? I need to hear him."

Jim rocked back onto Bones as hard as he could to let him know he understood, then went fully to task, trying not to think about how hard Bones was inside him, how much he was leaking all over this bedspread, because he had to be he was so turned on. If he focused on any of those things, the hands on his hips holding him in place, Bones's cock over his prostate, the way Bones picked up the pace and shifted his weight to make it better for himself and started to breathe really heavily, he'd be over in seconds.

So instead he went back to Academy!Bones, chasing the occasional pulse with his tongue, until he wasn't able to even do the up-down-twist because he was basically fucking his mouth with no finesse and all Jim could do was take it and then--he heard it, the grumbly whine that usually meant Bones was going to come, but this time he heard it from in front of him and then a few seconds later behind him. There was no way, right? They wouldn't be able to time it out to come at the same time.

Academy!Bones grew impossibly harder in his mouth before tensing, a hand coming back to Jim's hair and holding him in place as he thrust _up_ , and then he was coming into Jim's mouth with a familiar pleased exhale. Jim rode it out until he was pushed away, reveling at the deep, happy exhaled chuckle. It was maybe a minute later that he heard and felt the same reaction from behind him, a shaky groan before Bones was coming inside him.

It was after Bones carefully pulled out that Jim allowed himself a whine, and Bones pushed his hip until he was able to maneuver himself onto his back. Academy!Bones reached over him to grab his cock and give it a few strokes to spread his precome around before sucking him down once more. It was only a few seconds before Jim was coming again, even harder than the first time, almost sobbing with it.

He was still coming down, limbs still twitching, when Bones was back with damp towels for them all. Bones cleaned him up, then the three of them settled to nap. Jim didn't want to waste any time with Academy!Bones, because he wasn't sure if he'd be there when they woke up, but he needed to reset.

The kiss to his forehead and murmured, "Thank you, Jim," were the last things he was aware of before drifting off to sleep.

~*~

"Jim, answer your damn comm before he tries mine." Because Spock did _not_ want to talk to Leonard right now, considering how irritated he was at being woken up.

Jim's answer was a huff and a groan until he finally roused himself enough to climb over--something--to reach the bedside table. It took a moment for Leonard to realize that his counterpart must still be with them, if Jim couldn't reach the table like a normal person. Into the comm he grunted, "Kirk here."

Spock sounded much too calm for someone who could only be calling for a bad reason. "I apologize for the intrusion, Captain, but I am in need of assistance."

After yawning and rubbing his jaw, Jim asked, "Everything okay?"

"I cannot find Lieutenant Uhura."

Jim sounded much more awake when he said, "I'll meet you in the foyer in two minutes."

Leonard snorted. "We reek of sex."

"Make that ten minutes."

After the fastest showers ever, Leonard, his counterpart, and Jim entered the grand foyer of the castle, the high-ceilinged space covered in tapestries and suits of armor. Leonard was _not_ happy to be back in his uniform, but had to admit his counterpart looked damn good in the academy t-shirt and uniform pants and boots. Having them dressed the same would just be too confusing. 

It was bad enough when Spock saw them, his hands clasped behind his back, and his eyebrows rose higher and higher as he put the pieces together. Scotty had that adorably confused look on his face where he knew what he was looking at but wanted to share the joke with someone. His personification of the _Enterprise_ , whom he'd uncreatively dubbed Ente, stood next to him looking quite serious for all she was silver with visible blue veins (wires?) all over her that complemented her red engineering uniform, her long hair comprised of fine wire braided down her back. She was weirdly beautiful in a way Leonard didn't want to contemplate too much.

He had enough kinky sex on his mind.

Jim walked right up to Spock, all business. "Lay it on me."

After a final glance to Leonard's counterpart, who gave a half-hearted wave despite clearly being in awe, Spock answered, "I awoke approximately thirty-two minutes ago, alone. I have had no success hailing Lieutenant Uhura's communicator, and if she is in the immediate vicinity of the castle, she has not heard me calling her name."

"Aye, Captain, I was just about to tweak my communicator to see if I can get it to hone in on Uhura's." Scotty held up his communicator, then gave it to Ente. She--the only word for it was loosened--her fingertips into fine tools, and used them to manipulate the device.

Leonard's counterpart stared, and Leonard couldn't blame him. It was pretty cool.

She handed it back to Scotty, who smiled. "Thank you, lass. Wish I could keep you with me."

"Happy to help, Monty." Her voice was more feminine than mechanical, but it was still slightly jarring. And Leonard didn't think _anyone_ called Scotty by his first name. He was willing to bet there were crew members who didn't know he _had_ a first name, or that it wasn't ‘Scotty.'

She returned the smile as he fiddled with the comm. "It shows the Lieutenant about three hundred meters that way." He pointed towards the back of the castle. "Would you like to lead the way, sir?"

Jim didn't look particularly like he wanted to lead anything at that moment, but that didn’t stop him from answering, "Sure." They left through the front door rather than try to find the back door through a possible warren of corridors, and walked around the outside of the castle.

Leonard couldn't help but notice how perfect the weather was, even in the middle of the night. After a few minutes he would even say he was a little too warm in his long sleeves. He glanced towards his counterpart, jealous of his t-shirt, and noticed that he and Jim were holding hands. It was totally unprofessional, but given the circumstances--including how no one here would possibly want to discuss any events on this planet with the brass--he didn't think it mattered. Let his counterpart enjoy himself while he could. Lord knew he deserved it.

Lacking anything better to do while they chased the signal through the dark, the moonlight just enough to see by, he tried to be friendly and asked Spock, "Were you enjoying your time before Uhura disappeared?"

"Yes, we were. I was not quite prepared to meet her grandmother, but Uhura had been contemplating how the planet reminded her of home, and then she appeared before us."

"She seems feisty."

"That is certainly an accurate description."

Leonard wondered if Spock had met many ‘feisty' women growing up, and doubted it. "We were enjoying ourselves, too--"

"I had no doubt."

He sighed. "Even before the other me showed up. I mean, after we cleaned up from the afternoon, with Chekov's bullies and Frank and everything. I'm glad Sulu and Chekov are manning the ship together, so the rest of us could all get away at the same time." Usually Jim or Spock or Scotty had to stay onboard, but Chekov had wanted to go back to the ship, and Sulu offered to be in command while Scotty had Ente.

"Indeed. I am worried, however. Nyota would not leave without informing me."

"We'll find her."

"I hope that is true."

"Aye, she should be on the other side of that ridge."

"Thank you, Mr. Scott."

Everyone fell into silence again as they carefully climbed down a gradient. Once the ground had mostly leveled off it became apparent that the ridge was actually housing a cave. Jim made a face. "Let me guess. She's in the cave."

"Aye."

"Of course. Well, I guess we're going in. I'd say ‘set phasers on stun' but we aren't armed and we don't know what might be in there."

Suddenly everyone had a phaser clipped to his uniform belt , except for Ente, who had it appear in her hand.

Shaking his head, Jim muttered, "I keep forgetting the planet grants wishes."

Leonard's counterpart grumbled, "Should have just wished for this Lieutenant to be back at the castle."

"Well it's too late now. Let's go see what's inside."

It was easier said than done, but once they made their way past a wall right inside the entrance, it was clear there was a light source inside because there was a warm glow the gradually got brighter the further they walked.

And then they could hear--

In her mechanized voice, Ente asked, "Is that singing?"

Visibly relaxed, at least for Spock, he answered, "Yes. She must be safe, or at least safe enough."

It was weird as hell, though, no matter how safe she was. Which really should have made Leonard think about this damn planet and Jim's castle, so he wouldn't have been surprised when they walked around the final bend and saw--

"A _dragon_." Jim was _way_ too excited, eyes bright and mouth open in awe.

~*~

It was a real, live _dragon_ with dark green scales that were almost black, two wings, four legs, and a huge spiked snout. The black eye facing them was half closed under a heavy lid, and Jim could only say the thing looked _relaxed_.

Granted, if Uhura were singing to him and giving him a backrub, torches in the walls providing some ambiance, he'd be damn relaxed, too.

Her voice sounded melancholy now, and he didn't recognize the song, but he did recognize that she had a great voice. It was easy to forget it when she was often so sarcastic or utterly professional with him. He'd heard she'd sing sometimes in the rec room, but he'd never had the opportunity to hear her.

Until this weird-ass planet with its wishes.

What the hell was he going to put in his report?

"Lieutenant Uhura, are you okay?'

Giving him a warning glance, and then a double take when she saw Academy!Bones, she interrupted her song to answer, "I'm fine. Styx and I are enjoying ourselves."

Jim braced himself, and Bones did not disappoint. "Styx? Like the river in the underworld? What kind of kid were you?"

"One who liked to read but couldn't properly pronounce things like Daedalus or Eurydice." Jim had completely forgotten about Styx, but the planet must have dredged him up from somewhere in his subconscious when it created the castle. Regretfully, he finally let go of Academy!Bones's hand to at least make it _appear_ he was in charge. "Hello, Styx. I'm Jim."

With a suitably gravelly voice, Styx rumbled, "Hello, Jim. I suppose you've come for your beautiful maiden?"

"She isn't my--I mean--she's sort of mine? But not really. She's her own--except but with Spock? ...yes, she's very beautiful."

Uhura rolled her eyes and mouthed, _Nice save_.

"What will you exchange for her?"

"What do you mean exchange?"

"I found her, so she became mine. If I no longer have her, I need someone or something suitable to take her place." It was then Jim noticed the dragon was lying on a pile of treasure. "And she is so beautiful, and has such a lovely voice, the price would be very high indeed." The eye facing them narrowed in challenge.

"Okay… Let me discuss this with my crew."

The six of them huddled back out of the treasure chamber, and Uhura resumed her song while they tried to come up with a plan.

"Well, why the hell not, Scotty? It seems like an even trade--one beautiful woman for another!"

"Bones, let's not just offer up people--"

"But she's temporary, just like he is."

"But she's with Scotty."

Bones asked Ente, "Can you sing?"

"No, I cannot."

Dreamily, Scotty added, "But she hums like a well-built engine" When he saw everyone staring at him, he asked, "What?"

Losing his patience, Jim tried, "Does anyone want to take Uhura's place? She seems okay for now, but what if he, like… Gets hungry or something?"

Academy!Bones blinked and asked, "Do y'all normally offer each other up as snacks?"

Hand over his face, Bones grunted out, _"No."_

Hands behind his back to probably hide his agitation, Spock asked, "What about a non-living item of equal value?"

Nodding, Jim agreed, "Let's ask him what he wants."

Back out in view of the dragon--Styx--Jim asked, "What can we trade for our friend?"

Styx lazily opened his eye and snorted. "Nothing can replace a beautiful maiden who sings like an angel." Jim figured he would say something like that, but it was still frustrating. "However. If you can acquire for me the horn of a unicorn, and a recludo plant, your friend will be returned to you."

"Jim, what the hell?"

"How am I supposed to know what he's talking about?"

"He's your goddamn dragon!"

"Bones, I made him up twenty something years ago! I'm sure the planet gave him his own personality and whatever! Otherwise he would just give her back because that's what I want!" Jim glared at Bones, who glared right back.

Spock finally broke the tense moment. "Jim." He turned toward Spock, pointedly not looking at Uhura, because he could feel her scathing eyes on him anyway. "I fear for everyone's safety if we do not bring the creature what it requests."

Worriedly, Scotty interjected, "Aye, but maybe we can refrain from calling it a creature? He could eat all of us up without working too hard."

Rubbing his eyes, Jim agreed, "You're right, Scotty. Why don't we form two teams--"

Academy!Bones interrupted him to ask, "Can't y'all just wish for those things he wants?"

Spock frowned. "I have been trying to free Nyota this entire time, however my efforts have not been successful."

Bones asked, "Did anyone wish for a quest? Because it looks like we have to go on some goddamn quest."

"Relax, Bones. We'll split into two teams and one of us will find a unicorn, and the other this plant, and we'll be good."

"I vote plant. I'm a doctor, not a knight in shining armor."

"I definitely vote unicorn." Who wouldn't want to find a unicorn?

Apparently Scotty didn't want to see a unicorn, because he offered to go with Bones. Ente of course went with him, leaving Jim, Academy!Bones, and Spock to find the unicorn.

This was the weirdest away mission ever.

~*~

"I'm surprised you didn't want to go find the unicorn, Scotty." It wasn't really a question, but Leonard was curious why Scotty didn't jump at the chance to meet another mythological creature.

"Every book I ever read that mentioned them always explained unicorns to be vicious creatures. I'd rather not be impaled by anything tonight, despite how fascinatin' it would be to meet one."

"I thought they only killed virgins."

"In some stories they are only tame for virgins."

"Oh." So apparently Leonard wasn't up on his cryptozoological studies. "So it could go either way."

"Aye. I figured we'll let Spock and the Captain and...you...fight the beast. The plant should be relatively simple, and then Ente and I can go back to reprogramming the warp core."

 _Is that what you call it, Scotty?_ Bones smiled to himself. "Same here. I thought I had my fill of plant collecting during the love potion thing, but at least I can use that limited practice here. It looks like the dragon gave pretty good directions, too." And he had; they'd already gone past the Mountain of Steps, which looked like a ziggurat, and the Circular Valley, which looked like someone dug through the land with an ice cream scoop.

Ente asked, "How much further?"

Consulting the map, Leonard answered, "Maybe another half kilometer to the Blind Crevice, then we have to go through there and find the cave." The cave didn't have a cutesy name; it was just circled on the map. The plants grew inside the cave, and Leonard was guessing the dragon simply couldn't fit, if it had to wedge itself into a cave inside a mountain crevice.

Scotty reached for Ente's hand, and she took it with a smile. Leonard felt bad that she wouldn't be able to return to the ship with them; Scotty looked happy to have his attention on something that wasn't the ship. Sort of wasn't the ship. "So, ah, Doctor. Jim really likes you, I'm guessing?" The words were said with a smirk, so Leonard didn't take the question as an insult.

"For some reason. He could have anything this rock can create for him, and he made a double of me and some pancakes."

"That sounds good. But what I could really go for…" Around the next bend in the trail there was a table with three coffees on it. "That's it."

"Scotty, you're a genius." If Leonard wished for a little bourbon in his, Scotty didn't have to know. After a few swallows of the coffee, Leonard felt better, like he could continue this quest and not throttle Jim after it was over.

When they finally got to the Crevice, between two huge rock formations, Leonard guessed he was right; the three of them had to go single-file, so there was no way the dragon could fit. It was also dark as hell because the moonlight couldn't reach into it very well.

Their progress had slowed to a crawl until Ente asked, "May I see the map? And take the lead?"

Leonoard grumbled, "Sure. I'm tired of worrying I'm going to smash my face on something. Or drop us into a pit." At a wider spot he and Ente wiggled past each other so she was in the lead, and he couldn't help but be creeped out at how solid her body was. Not in a heavily muscled way, more of an endoskeleton kind of way, and he had to remind himself that she was Scotty's fantasy, and he wasn't here to judge. At least Scotty hadn't been giving himself sex tips earlier.

He was, however, irritated when beams of light shot out of her eyeballs and they could suddenly see. "Scotty, why the hell didn't you tell me she had light beams in her eyes?"

"I didn't know she did… Maybe she's evolving the longer she's in existence?"

"Well it would have helped to know that before. Maybe she could have transformed into a shuttle."

"She's a personification of the ship, not a means of transportation in herself."

"Fine, let's just get to this stupid cave now that we can see." It was much easier to navigate now that they didn't have to worry about crashing into anything, and soon they were at the cave indicated on the map.

They stood outside of it, and Leonard realized none of them wanted to go inside first. Finally, he sighed. "So do we rock-paper-scissors, or what?"

~*~

Soon after Jim, Academy!Bones, and Spock left the dragon's lair, map in hand, Jim felt Academy!Bones thread their fingers together again. His face heated up as his gaze followed the fingers to the strong arm and shoulder and then handsome face, where he was being smiled at like nothing else in this crazy stupid night mattered except that they were together. Bones still looked at him that way, but somehow it meant more that this younger Bones had already felt that way but had respected their friendship too much to act on it.

He squeezed his fingers and hoped they'd be able to get back to their room to _act on it_ one more time before Academy!Bones disappeared.

"Jim." Jim looked over at Spock, who was pointedly not looking at them. "Will you know this creature when you see it? You all seemed to understand what it was without description."

He shrugged. "More or less. Basically a horse with a single horn on its head."

"I wasn't aware Earth had such an animal."

"It doesn't. Like the dragon, it's a mythical creature. Legends say the horn has medicinal purposes, which is probably why the dragon wants it."

"Indeed." They followed the river as instructed, the moon providing just enough light for them to see so they didn't trip. Eventually Spock said, "It is unfortunate that I-Chaya did not subsist through the night with us; he would likely have proven useful in this endeavor." He may or may not have looked slightly jealously at Academy!Bones.

"Your pet sehlat? We definitely could use all the help we could get. I mean, without calling together a security team. This is all embarrassing enough, losing my lieutenant to a dragon."

"And having to explain me." Academy!Bones sounded sullen, which was certainly not out of character for the timeframe from which he came.

"No way." Jim stopped walking and jerked Academy!Bones to a halt. "I am not at all embarrassed by you. Any one of you. Do you know how jealous everyone on the ship would be of me if they saw you? I already have my hot current Bones, and then I get the younger one as well, the one who hasn't stitched me up six hundred times, hasn't already watched me almost die on multiple occasions? The one who doesn't carry around the fear of losing me on some hostile world? I have your potential optimism and his devotion and history, and if I could keep both of you, I would." To emphasize his point, Jim pulled him into a fierce kiss, wishing that he could prove to this man again how much he loved each part of him.

Spock cleared his throat, and when Jim pulled away he almost tripped over a mattress with a bottle of lube on it. "I hate this goddamn planet."

"It is a fascinating place, but one better explored under less stressful events."

"This place _creates_ stressful events."

"It also gave me you, so let's just find this thing and figure out how to get its horn."

They continued following the river, and once again Jim wondered why they couldn't just transport to the unicorn. But it was apparently against the unwritten rules, so instead they had to walk and walk and walk. Eventually Spock pulled up short, and Jim stopped so he didn't crash into him. Whispering, Spock asked, "Is that the unicorn?"

The white beast, mostly shaped like a horse but with a goat's beard and a tufted lion's tail, was drinking from a wide, beachy spot at the edge of the river. The moonlight glinted off the single spiraled horn coming from its forehead.

Academy!Bones murmured, "That thing looks like an early eugenics experiment gone awry."

"Shhh. We need to get this thing to save Uhura."

"Somehow it is bigger than I expected it to be. We have no weapons other than phasers, which may not even affect it."

"We'll be okay, Spock. So long as it--" He swallowed his words when the unicorn jerked its head up towards them and bared its teeth, which flat or not were pretty terrifying on that angry face. "Nevermind, it saw us."

"Well, duh."

"Shut up, Bones."

"I can't believe you still call me that."

"Is this really the time for this? We're about to be mauled by a unicorn." The creature had started walking towards them, not necessarily menacingly, but the teeth and the horn did not make it look friendly.

"Gentlemen, can we please focus on the task at hand?"

"It would be easier if Jim had come up with a plan--"

"Why me?"

"Because this is your stupid fantasy and you're the captain! I'm a doctor, not a unicorn slayer!"

"Jim. Leonard. The unicorn."

The beast had reached them while they'd been squabbling, and Jim wished for a weapon that didn't appear, or Sulu to be down here with his fencing skills, or some kid somewhere with a book on how to defeat unicorns.

But they were on their own.

Jim wasn't sure if that made it more or less surreal when the unicorn stopped, looked at each one of them in turn, then asked, "So, which of you is the virgin sacrifice?"

~*~

Because luck was never on his side, Leonard lost the rock-paper-scissors and thus had to be the first to enter the cave. Ente really should have gone first because of her eyes being able to light the way, but if something snuffed her out, then it would just be Leonard and Scotty in the dark, and that didn't sound too appealing, either.

So Leonard squared his shoulders, took a deep breath, and entered the cave.

And almost fell flat on his face when he tripped over something. Upon further inspection he'd tripped over a layer of vines on the floor of the cave. "Ente, can you come in and light the way?" She came right in, the light from her eyes casting a blue glow over the cave, illuminating the nest of vines that crawled far out of their limited view. "Scotty, we're okay. For now."

"Excellent, Doctor. I'll just…" Scotty daintily entered the cave, watching where he set his feet. "Can't be too careful."

Leonard was standing right on the vines now because he didn't give a shit. "So what's this thing look like?"

Ente opened the map again, which had a drawing of the plant at the bottom. "It's approximately one meter tall, and has several stalks, each with a bell-shaped flower. We need to dig out the root with it."

"We really should have brought Sulu."

"Aye. Too late now."

"I know. I guess let's keep looking through this cave for this thing. And it better not spit poisonous pollen or something at us. It better be just a normal plant."

"Be careful what you wish for."

Ente followed that with, "Because you might just get it."

Why was Leonard wishing Spock were here?

The vines got thicker the further into the cave they went, growing up and up to cover the walls of the cave, and that had to mean something, right? The source of the vines might prove advantageous to the plant, so surely they would find it-- "Ow! What the hell was that?"

Sounding frightened, and who could blame him, Scotty asked, "What's wrong?"

"I just had this sharp pain in my calf, what the fuck." Leonard reached down his pant leg until he found some sort of barb in it. He pulled it out, which made his leg hurt even more. "Ente, can you bring the light over?" She focused her view on his hand, which held… a tiny arrow. It was made out of metal, maybe about the size of an old fashioned paperclip. But the point on the end was unmistakable. "Something shot me."

"What could have possibly made that wee thing, and gotten it through your…" Scotty trailed off as he looked behind Leonard. "Well then."

Turning around as well, Leonard saw that the vines all over the walls were now supporting little… people? Four or five inches tall, all of them had little tunics and conical hats, and all of them were pointing arrows at the sad little away team. In a high pitched voice, one of them at Leonard's eye level asked, "What is your purpose in the Cave of Forbidden Flora?"

Very narrowly keeping himself from face-palming, Leonard asked, "The what?"

Another little guy said, "The Cave of Forbidden Flora!"

"Yeah, I got that. And you are?"

The first little guy spoke. "I am Vie, leader of the Flornems!"

"Scotty, help me out here."

"You'd have to ask Jim."

"I am going to _kill_ Jim."

Vie piped up, "Whoever this Jim is, he is of no concern now! State your business in the Cave of Forbidden Flora!"

Why the hell not? "We are from… It doesn't matter where we're from." _Right?_ "We, ah, seek the recludo plant."

The little guys murmured amongst themselves, until Vie shushed them. "You seek it for the dragon Styx, do you not?"

"That is true, yes."

"What will you provide in exchange?"

Even Scotty sighed at that before answering, "We don't have much at our disposal. And I don't bloody fancy having to leave and come back to this cave."

A little guy--a Flornem--crawled through the vines until he finally reached Vie and whispered in his ear. Vie immediately looked over at Ente, the light from her eyes casting shadows at her back. Clearly not liking their scrutiny, she asked in an annoyed tone, "Can I help you?"

Vie used his bow to point to her. "If you give us your wire, we will give you a recludo bloom."

Angrily, Scotty said, "Now wait just a minute here, you're not taking anything from inside her!"

Slightly grossed out by that implication, half-machine or not, Leonard looked her over again and then realized-- "Do you mean the wires on her head?"

Vie answered, "Yes, we can use it to fortify our weapons and defenses."

Turning towards Scotty and keeping his voice low, Leonard said, "They just want her hair. Is that okay?"

"I… I guess so. I don't like marring my lady, but so long as she's okay with it…" He raised his eyebrows at her in question.

"It'll be fine, Monty. The long hair is heavy, anyway. I'd like to feel it shorter."

"Alright then, lass. If you're okay then I'm okay."

"Scotty, do you have wire clippers?" That earned him a scowl. "Just checking."

"Of course I have wire cutters, they're part of my toolkit I always have on my belt." He whipped them out then made quick work of Ente's hair, not focusing so much on style on as getting as much of the wire as possible. If it had been done professionally, the cut might have been a cute pixie, but wound up looking less cute and more mangled.

Not that Leonard had any interest or stake in Ente's hair.

He really needed to get out of this cave.

Scotty handed locks of the fine wire over to different Flornems, each of whom took the handfuls with gleeful smiles that were slightly unsettling. As he was doing that, Leonard asked, "So, Vie, where can we get the recludo plant?"

"I will have one prepared from our nursery. We always have blooms ready for transport."

"You… is this your business? You sell the plants?"

"Of course! How do you think Flora Gnomes make their money?"

Flora Gnomes. The long version of Flornem? "Are you telling me that Styx could have bought this plant whenever he wanted?"

"Not that dragon. He's too miserly."

Sighing, Lenoard muttered to Scotty, "This is the dumbest quest ever."

"Aye. A cheap dragon has our friend hostage, and I just had to give an emergency haircut using wire cutters. Sorry, lass."

"It is fine, Monty."

Finally, two Flornems--Flornae?--came into view from around the bend in the cave, balancing a flowerpot between them. In it was a plant about a foot high, two yellow bell-shaped blossoms growing from leafy stems. It was actually quite pretty, and Leonard was sure Sulu would be poking it and stroking it and recording whatever he could. He pushed thoughts of Sulu aside lest the acting captain suddenly appear, and reached down for the pot. The Flornems relinquished it readily, and as Leonard straightened he asked, "You two ready to get the hell out of here?"

"Absolutely. Ente, please lead the way."

"With pleasure."

They made their way out of the cave much more quickly than they had into it, and Leonard was grateful for the fresh air on his face and in his hair as they got outside. "Jim had better have found that damn unicorn."

"You ever think you'd say that?"

"Being in the black has made me say a lot of things I'd never thought I'd say." Including _I love you, too_ , but why focus on the positive if his irritation would get them through the night? "Let's get the hell back to the dragon."

~*~

Jim blinked. "The, uh, virgin?" Unless Spock and Uhura only had Vulcan-kiss-style sex, they were in for some trouble.

The unicorn looked down his long nose at him. "Yes, the virgin."

"Um, we don't, I mean, I'm not--and neither is Bones… Um." Jim looked over to Spock, who very slightly shook his head. "We don't have a virgin for you."

Incredulous, the unicorn asked, "You don't have a virgin for me? Then why have you sought me?"

"Um…" Jim had never felt so out of his depth in his life. "We need, well. We need…" He trailed off, sensing his diplomacy skills failing him epically.

The unicorn stared.

Jim, Academy!Bones, and Spock stared back.

Then the unicorn laughed, a weirdly throaty sound. "Relax. I do not need a virgin. I like messing with questors."

The three of them let out relieved but shaky breaths. "That's a relief, I don't know if anyone on the ship is a virgin, it's none of my business, and I wouldn't be able to offer them to you anyway, mister, ah…"

"Wyn."

"Hello, Wyn. I'm James T. Kirk, and this is Leonard and Spock." Wyn stared at them blandly. "We, ah, have come for your horn."

"Jeez, Jim, you're taking diplomacy courses, right?"

"You be quiet, Mr. Bedside Manner!"

Thankfully, Spock took over before Wyn impaled all of them. "The dragon Styx has kidnapped one of our crew members. In exchange for her release, he would like your horn. We have come to retrieve it."

"My horn? You wish to take my _horn_?" Wyn sounded horrified. But then he rolled his eyes. "How unoriginal. If I had a credit for every team of adventurers who has come for my horn, well. I'd have a lot of credits and wouldn't need to make my living giving my horn away."

Jim couldn't help his look of confusion. "What?"

"I can easily give you my horn. A new one will grow back by the end of the week. But what will you give me in exchange?"

"Wait, the dragon could just buy it from you?"

"That skinflint?"

"He was sleeping on treasure!"

"Why do you think he has so much of the shiny stuff?"

Jim knew a situation had to be bad when any version of Bones reeled him in. "Jim, let's just figure out what we need, and worry about your frugal-ass dragon later."

"Alright, alright." He didn't miss the look Spock shot at Academy!Bones. "Wyn, what can we provide to you in exchange for your horn?"

"What do you have?"

"Nothing. Well. Phasers, our communicators. Technically our clothing."

Smiling rather evilly, Wyn narrowed his eyes. "There's always your blood, of course."

"My...blood?"

"Not yours." He swung his horsey snout towards Spock. "His."

Spock blinked, slowly. "You require my blood?"

"Vulcan blood is quite the aphrodisiac to us. The copper base… Oh yes." Wyn's huge black eyes somehow developed a far away look, and Jim felt a chill go through him as he looked over to Spock.

For his part, Spock remained quite calm. But then again, he had a good reason. "I would be remiss if I did not inform you that I am half human, and therefore my blood has human elements in it. It is likely not pure enough for your...needs."

"That is rather unfortunate. What else do you have?"

Jim was tired of this game. And in general. What the hell time was it? "Nothing."

The unicorn sighed, sounding horribly exasperated. "You say the dragon has one of your female crew members?"

Academy!Bones groused, "Why the hell else would we be on this goddamned quest in the middle of the night?"

Ignoring him, Wyn, continued, "Is she beautiful?"

Back in comfortable territory, Jim answered, "Absolutely."

"Does she sing? Is she singing for him right now?"

Spock answered, "She does, and likely so."

Now the impossible creature looked jealous, huge nostrils flaring. "Then I require a song as well."

"Nice try. Jim doesn't have a musical bone in his body."

"Surely one of you must."

Wincing, Jim looked sideways at Spock. Who held his gaze until he clearly resigned himself to doing anything for Uhura. "I play the Vulcan lyre. But I cannot promise my voice is as lovely as our crew member's."

"I shall take what you can offer. Supplement the song with a dance."

"While I play?"

"Not you."

"Jim can't dance, either."

"I can dance. ...Just not likely to whatever Spock can play on that thing."

"I'll lead."

"Oh God."

And that was how, after conjuring his lyre, Spock played a number of songs to which Academy!Bones could lead Jim in a dance. Jim felt absolutely ridiculous, being pushed gently and led around while trying not to step on Academy!Bones's feet. It helped that Spock was pretty good on the instrument, and was able to figure out what Jim could and could not keep up with without embarrassing himself. And if he had to admit it, Academy!Bones looked like he was actually having fun.

Being close to him, feeling his warmth and seeing him smile, almost made Jim forget how this night had gone so far off the rails they weren't in the same quadrant anymore.

Finally Wyn said he had enough to cover his horn, and instructed them on how to break it cleanly without hurting him. "Enjoy!"

Grumpily, Jim answered, "Thank you."

Once out of what he guessed was the unicorn's hearing distance, he muttered, "Not a word to anyone, Spock. Not one. Single. Word."

"They are going to ask how we acquired our prize."

"Make something up."

"I can leave out the part with you dancing."

"...Yeah, okay."

"Definitely don't let the crew know I can dance. They'll probably ask for lessons all the time."

"Yeah, how _do_ you know how to dance?"

"I'm a practiced debutante escort. Everyone had to learn how to dance for the cotillion ball. It was torture, except for getting to be close to the girls."

"So I was getting the shit kicked out of me, and you were making time?"

"If you have to put it so crudely. Jocelyn was beautiful then, and we were a good partnership for the dancing. I don't want to talk about it anymore."

Jim reached out for his hand again, and squeezed it. "I'm sorry. I forgot it wasn't so long ago for you."

"But I do get over it, right?"

Grinning, Jim answered, "Yeah. Yeah, you do."

"Good."

~*~

Somehow Leonard, Scotty, and Ente managed to get back to the dragon's cave at the exact same time as his counterpart, Jim, and Spock. He clutched the flowerpot to his chest, ignoring how he and Spock got to be the grownups as Scotty and Ente, and his counterpart and Jim, held hands, all looking more or less content.

Jim stopped short when his happy gaze landed on Ente. "What happened to your hair?"

"It was the price of the plant."

"I'm sorry."

"It is a small price to pay to rescue Uhura."

"Aye, I hated to do it regardless. What did you three have to trade?"

The unicorn horn in one hand, though looking like he wanted to put both of them behind his back, Spock answered, "I played my lyre for him."

"Well isn't that poetic."

"Yes indeed, Leonard." His tone of voice indicated that Leonard needed to back down, and he was happy to do that, assuming Jim told him the complete story later. "Let us make our trades."  
They reached the dragon's lair more quickly this time, not even needing Uhura's voice to lead the way. By now her voice sounded like it was beginning to give out, and Leonard didn't want to know what the dragon would do to her if it did. Inside the lair, Uhura was still giving Styx a massage around where his wing came out of his back, just this time it was the other wing. The look on her face wasn't quite desperate, but when she saw them her relief was evident.

Styx opened his visible eye and regarded them lazily. "I see you have brought my plant, and my horn."

Stepping to the forefront, Jim answered, "Yes, we have. We are happy to exchange them for Uhura."

"And if I refuse and kill you all?"

"Then… Then we will come back as ghosts and haunt you for eternity."

Leonard muttered, "Nice comeback, Jim."

Jim hissed back, "We are doing this exchange if it kills me."

"Well don't get the rest of killed at the same time!"

Breaking in to everyone's relief, particularly Scotty's based on his sigh, Spock said, "We will complete the exchange. We brought what you want and expect you to complete your end of the bargain."

"Fair enough, Vulcan." The dragon slowly got to his feet, shaking as if to loosen stiff muscles. He turned his head to more easily see Uhura. "You are free once I have my unicorn horn and recludo plant."

Spock held the horn out in front of him. "If I may ask, what purpose does the horn serve for you?"

"You may ask. When ground, the horn offers considerable seasoning to my meals."

Jim clearly couldn't help himself as he asked, "It's a spice?"

"What did you think it was?"

"...I don't know. Medicinal? Recreational?"

The dragon snorted as he took the horn from Spock's hand. "I merely want my dinner to have more flavor."

Offering the plant, Leonard asked, "What about this? Do you… Is it a seasoning, too?"

"Of course not. The recludo plant unlocks secured things. I shall be able to get into wherever I wish now."

Leonard couldn't help the face he made. "So you can steal?"

"So I can access." That wasn't a no. "Maiden, you are free to go."

"Thank you, Styx. I will treasure my time with you. I hope I was able to please you."

"You have made me quite happy." With the way he clutched the plant and horn to himself as he settled back down, Leonard wondered which of them all he was talking to.

"Goodbye, Styx." Jim looked… maybe a little wistful? Styx grunted, clearly not one for goodbyes. "Well then." He turned back to his crew, the unlikely away team. "Let's head back to the castle."

Leading the way, Uhura voiced everyone's thoughts. "Gladly."

~*~

In the shower for the third time that night, Jim sighed happily. His crew was safe and sound, he got to meet a dragon and a unicorn, and he knew Spock could play a mean lyre and provide dance music, if such a need ever sprung up again for some reason .

All of those good things didn't mean Jim didn't want to rinse the sweat and weirdness off of him.

The shower being big enough to fit all three of them, Jim and two Boneses, was fortuitous.

"Well, that was fun, wasn't it?"

Bones snorted. "Which part? The dragon wanting to eat Uhura, the little gnomes attacking us, or the unicorn making Spock perform?"

"We've had worse away missions."

"Worse, yes. Weirder, no."

Academy!Bones shook his head. "I can't believe this is how my life turns out. When I joined Starfleet I thought I'd be on Earth, or on a base or something. Not on a ship that's travelled to so many places and seen so many different things."

Perpetually grumpy, Bones snorted again. " _Different,_ sure. Keep in mind this was one of the easier away missions. I only needed to carry a plant, not hypospray anyone or stitch them up enough to survive transport to sick bay. Though Jim is usually a little bit better at talking his way out of trouble."

"So terribly sorry that the _dragon from my childhood_ threw me a little bit when _bartering with a unicorn_."

"Aww, don't be so put-upon. I'm just teasing you." Bones pulled him back against him, warm soapy skin sliding against his own. Jim would be lying if he said he didn't want to melt into that strong embrace and stay there forever. But then he opened his eyes, which locked with those sad ones belonging to Academy!Bones.

It was going to be so very hard to lose him, and Jim wasn't sure how he was still here with them. He reached out his hand as much as he could with Bones wrapped around him from the back. "Come here." Academy!Bones didn't need more encouragement to close the distance between them and press their mouths together, the kiss strong but wistful at the same time. It was so strange to be kissing and held by the same person from two different directions, but that didn't mean Jim couldn't get onboard with some more dirty thoughts. He pulled his head back to breathe and say, "I want you."

"You have me. At least as long as this place will let you."

"No, I mean I _want_ you. I want to be inside you."

Academy!Bones raised his eyebrows. "You do?"

"Of course I do. I love being inside you as much as I love you inside me."

"And I.... I like it, too?"

"Of course you like it, we--" Dawning comprehension made Jim uncomfortable, especially because Bones had stiffened behind him, and not in a sexy way. "You've never had anyone inside you before?"

"No. You didn't know that when you got together? I mean, unless I did after?"

Jim shook to loosen Bones's grip so he could turn around and glare. "I don't think you dated anyone for too long while we were at the Academy, and as far as I know you haven't been with anyone but me since we've been on the ship. I took your virginity and you didn't say anything?"

As expected, Bones launched a mighty eye-roll. "You hardly took my _virginity_ , Jim. I was married."

"To a _woman_."

"Why do people _say_ it like that? I _know_ she was a woman."

"Did you or did you not have anyone inside you before me?"

Making a face, Bones admitted, "I did not. You know I didn't sleep with anyone except for Jocelyn when you met me, and I never felt close enough to anyone else to let them inside, so to speak. Sex, yeah, just not… that."

Groaning, Jim complained, "I would have tried so much harder to make it so much better the first time!"

"It _was_ good the first time. I mean, it hurt at first, but it got better."

His heart going out to Bones, his extremely stubborn lover, Jim quietly said before kissing him, "I'd've made it good the whole time. Don't want you to associate me with any pain."

After the kiss, which had turned pretty hot if Jim had any opinion, Bones answered, "I don't. Love you and everything we do." Another few kisses, then Bones pulled back. "But you have a chance to do it your way, with him."

"It won't be too...weird?"

"No weirder than anything else. And I don't plan on just watching, if you wouldn't mind including me."

"I can get onboard with--loving--you and blowing you at the same time." That sounded...pretty damn hot, actually. To be inside Bones and taste him at the same time? Hell yes.

"If I'm okay with that." Clearly Bones meant the other Bones, considering he was looking over Jim's shoulder. Jim turned back around to watch as Academy!Bones made a decision and nodded once.

"I'm okay with that."

~*~

It took all of four seconds for Leonard to realize he didn't want to watch ‘himself' get prepped. He didn't like the concerned and nervous look on his face, and it was bringing back memories of his first time with Jim, where he hadn't wanted to disappoint him, but hadn't quite been prepared for it mentally. It had gotten better, but at first… Yeah, it had hurt.

But his counterpart wasn't going to experience it like that, that much was obvious. Jim was taking his time, pressing kisses and murmurs against his heated skin, letting him know where his hands were going next, when his fingers were pressing inside. Instead of trying to watch, Leonard closed his eyes and listened, loving that voice as it calmed and soothed, imagining he could feel Jim on him as he narrated what he was doing. Thumbs pressed to his perineum, pillow shoved under his hips, sucking his cock to distract him from where his fingers were wandering after being told they'd wander there.

He lay next to them and stroked himself, listening to Jim's happy, encouraging moans and whispering, "So hot, Bones, you're so tight, gonna feel so good. Love this, and I know I hadn't told you at the time, but I love you, too." He tried to pretend his counterpart's groans and panted breaths were someone else's, that Jim was watching particularly graphic and interactive porn, but that was somehow more off-putting.

So he went back to imagining Jim's fingers in him, patiently stretching him and getting him ready for his cock. He listened as Jim asked if his counterpart was okay, if he needed him to slow down, stop, get more lube, tell me if it feels good or hurts. But then Jim must have changed his angle because his counterpart gave out that moan that meant he'd gotten his prostate, and Leonard _knew_ just how he felt, that first time he'd gotten that particular massage.

His counterpart breathed out, "Do that again," and Leonard knew Jim complied when he heard that moan again, then again, and Jim's low chuckle.

"Didn't think you'd like that, right?"

"In theory, yes, but…"

"So glad I get to share this with you. All over again." His counterpart groaned again, and Leonard couldn't help his own pulse of precome. "Let me know when you're ready. Or, if you want to stop." Leonard knew he wasn't going to want to stop; Jim was making it too good for him, despite his initial reluctance. And afterwards he'd want to spread his legs for Jim just as often as he wanted to get inside him, which was a lot.

But at that first time… Yeah, there was apprehension.

And then the strong and totally different orgasm Jim had wrung out of him…

His counterpart sighed as Jim must have done something inside him. "I think I'm good. Just take it easy."

"I can do easy." Jim chuckled dirtily. "I can also do really rough, for when you're into that."

"Oh God."

"There you go. Fully hard again, wanting it from me."

"Just go ahead already."

"You don't have to tell me twice." Leonard opened his eyes again, not wanting to miss the show of Jim lubing himself up. He was never sure if it was the feeling of his slick hand around his eager cock, or the thought of getting inside of Leonard, that made him smile that little smile, eyes bright. He adjusted his counterpart's legs around him, and pressed inside, waiting for him to adjust. "That's it--relax for me, let me feel you around me."

"I'm trying."

Taking pity, Leonard rolled onto his side so he could murmur tips to his counterpart. "It really helps if you press down, and touch yourself…" He stopped short of jerking him off, because no way, but he could definitely help take his mind off of Jim until he was ready. "Good, you know you like it when you…" He rubbed his hand over his counterpart's stomach, muscles twitching at the unexpected touch. "Every nerve on fire? Yeah. Just…"

"Oh my God, if you two don't stop that I'm going to shoot my load right now."

Leonard glared at Jim. "I had time to prepare and practice before you and I did this."

"All right, all right. But, God… I want to blow you so bad. Right after we get this part set."

"Just give him another minute." Leonard continued his caresses of his counterpart, and he could feel him continue to relax. "He's going to make you feel so good, just like he did with his fingers. Only it's going to be moreso, you're going to want it so much sometimes, that you can barely wait for him to get off his shift before you're getting yourself ready for him. You know he loves it, loves you making him come inside you. You'll want that stretch, that burn, sometimes so much you can't sit still."

His counterpart gave out a deep breath, just as Jim said, "Okay, I'm all the way in. Now, I'm going to pull out…" From there it wasn't long before they established a rhythm, and Leonard pulled back to leave them to it.

And then Jim asked, "Where are you going? You promised me something."

Rolling his eyes, Leonard answered as he got to his knees, "You can't blow me if I'm lying down…"

~*~

Jim was actually kind of glad it took Academy!Bones a while to adjust, because not only did Jim get to watch his Bones help relax him--and damn it all but he wanted that on video--but Jim had been pretty close to coming, watching them interact and Bones rubbing him down, Academy!Bones so tight around him. Two Bones for the price of one…

And then Bones was standing in front of him, one hand pressed to the ceiling for balance, feet spread over Academy!Bones's abdomen. His cock was in Jim's face, hard and leaking, and Jim had to pause his thrusts to spread the precome around with his fingers before pulling Bones in closer. He was salty on his tongue but hot in his mouth, and Jim couldn't help but moan around him.

"Jim, how are you so pretty, stretched around me like that?"

Jim shook his head, making Bones moan, then pulled off. "You bring it out of me."

"Just keep going. For both of us."

Right.

One Bones with his cock in his mouth, the other waiting for Jim to bring him off for the first time. He still couldn't believe Bones hadn't said anything about Jim being his first inside him. At least he got this chance, and he was going to make it good. Careful thrusts with his hips, one hand on his thigh to hold him in place while the other kept a loose grip on his cock, letting Academy!Bones decide how much he wanted to thrust or not. He wished he could see his face, see how he was really enjoying it or not, but when he opened his eyes all he could see was Bones's abdomen.

So instead he kept his eyes closed, and tried to distinguish which moans and breathing belonged to which Bones. It was an interesting challenge, and helped keep his mind off of how good he felt, between the two of them. The last thing he wanted to do was come before either of them. He'd already had an extra climax tonight, after all.

He was secondary here.

But he really enjoyed sucking Bones, and this wasn't really a position they'd used before. But it worked, all things considered, with both of them having leverage. The hand not braced against the ceiling came to rest in Jim's hair, just holding it loosely as he worked his way up and down the shaft. But he had to pull off to ask Academy!Bones, "How are you doing down there?"

It was a second before he huffed out, "Good. I'm good." Jim tightened his grip on his cock. "Oh, yeah. Even better."

"Let me know if you get close."

"Why?"

"I want to watch."

Bones interrupted. "Get me first so I won't be in your way."

"You are so romantic."

"I've been watching you try to make this good for him. It's a turn on."

"Want to swallow you down."

"No one's stopping you, darlin'."

"Come here." Bones lined them up again, and Jim put more of his energy into bringing him off first. He wished he could use his hands, but they were occupied, so he pretty much could only sit there and take what he could, until Bones took over and made him take more. It was never enough to choke him, but it became more about Bones taking his mouth than Jim blowing him. And he was fine with that, fine with the hand tightening in his hair, fine with the tremors he could feel as Bones got close.

He started to hum and Bones let out a breathy chuckle. "You're too good at this. You're gonna make me come so hard, you're not even going to be able to take it all. Love you so much, love that you love this." Jim tried to nod but really couldn't, but Bones knew what he meant as he groaned again. "So close, just need…" It was another few thrusts of Bones's hips before Jim felt him tighten, felt him get harder, and then that groan that meant Bones was coming, and Jim tried to catch it all, wanted to _taste_.

Finally Bones pulled out, shakily backing up on weak legs. Carefully he leaned down and kissed Jim's forehead and wiped the corner of his mouth. "So good. Can't stand." And he stepped over Academy!Bones and sat down next to him before sliding down to lay on his back, looking too damn satisfied. "I'm good."

Jim wasn't sure what he looked like as he looked back down to Academy!Bones and asked, "What about you?" but Academy!Bones was hot as hell, turned on the way he was, and Jim figured he must look about the same, hair a mess, lips swollen, face flushed.

"I'm good." Heavy exhale. " Enjoying myself."

"Let me make it even better." Without Bones in front of him, Jim was able to adjust their position, one of Academy!Bones's legs over his shoulder, and Jim was able to get in deeper. "Good?"

"Yeah."

"Let me know if it's not good."

"Just keep going."

Jim applied himself to getting off Academy!Bones, wanting to feel him fall apart around him the way Bones did above him. "You look so good like this, I can see you like it, feel it around me." And he could; his thrusts were being met, and his cock was leaking as Jim rubbed under the head with his thumb, and he was moaning when he exhaled. "You like that?" He nodded. "You good?"

"I said keep going."

Jim grinned; he could follow that order. Full fist around his cock now, hips shifted to hit him inside _just_ right. He listened to the way Academy!Bones breathed, taking his cues to go harder or back off. He had his eyes closed, flushed all the way from his handsome face down through the trail of hair below his abs, and he still couldn't believe he was the first one to make Bones look like that, needing his cock and his hands and letting his body writhe in all new ways.

He really thought he could maybe do this forever… either the slow, teasing thrusts, or the harder, focused ones… Bones struggling to breathe as Jim made him feel so damn good, just listening to him enough to make Jim close. No responsibilities, no cares… Just the two of them (okay, three for now) sharing themselves with each other

He had another idle thought about whether it was possible to wish for it from the planet, but that would be a terrible idea. They needed to limit the time anyone spent here, before something happened…

"Jim?"

"Huh?"

"You kind of stopped."

"Oh." He'd been so lost in his thoughts he'd somehow stopped paying attention to what he was doing. "You--"

"If you ask me one more time if I'm okay, I'm going to ask him what you hate, and make you do it."

Bones drawled, "Oh, I have plenty of things. Vegetables. Hyposprays. Paperwork. Physicals."

"You're really turning me on here, Bones."

"Well, let him come already."

"I'm trying!" And Jim redoubled his efforts. "I want to come so bad, but need you to finish first." He was having trouble holding back, the way Academy!Bones had one hand sort of flung behind his head, and the other wrapped loosely around Jim's wrist, like he was afraid Jim would let go of his cock. He would never do that, not when he knew he was so close… Instead, Jim gripped him harder, thumb pressed right below the head. "Love you so much."

"Just… Keep doing that." The grip on his wrist tightened, and Jim stayed exactly where he was, same rhythm, same angle, thumb rubbing hard right below the head. "Yeah, like that. Don't stop. Don't stop…" It was almost like a surprise when Academy!Bones finally came, like he didn't think Jim could really get him off in that position. As if Jim hadn't had time to learn exactly how Bones liked it. So he thought maybe he knew Academy!Bones was coming even before he did, legs trembling as his body grew tight, then released in spurts all over his stomach, his groan music to Jim's ears.

When he finally relaxed, Jim asked, "Can I come inside you?"

"Huh?"

Jim slowed down to let him get his brain back. "Can I come inside you?" Academy!Bones turned his head to look at Bones, who nodded slightly, and Academy!Bones nodded at Jim. "Oh thank God." It took less than a minute for Jim to reach his own climax, unwilling to delay any longer now that he was the only one who hadn't come. He couldn't believe he came as hard as he did, warmth pooling in his belly then spreading throughout his body, but that was just the sort of night he was having, he guessed. He worked himself through his final tremors, then slowly pulled out.

Fortunately Bones had had some foresight, and Jim had barely collapsed against Academy!Bones before there was a warm, damp towel cleaning him up. Bones gave the same attention to his younger self, whom Jim had to say looked pretty blissed out. He couldn't help it as he asked him, "Was it good?"

Still flushed but looking tired, Academy!Bones answered, "The best. I think it helped you've obviously done this before with me. So to speak."

"Took a while, but that's to be expected. Love doing this with you. Him. Whatever."

Sappy smiles looked good on Bones, any version of him. "Glad I got the chance."

A grumpy voice on the other side of Academy!Bones mumbled, "Alright, can we go to sleep now?" He pulled a blanket over them, not waiting for an answer.

"Sure, Bones." Jim reached out across Academy!Bones and found Bones's hand and gave it a squeeze. "Love you."

"Love you too, darlin'."

Jim brought his hand back to Academy!Bones's chin and pulled him into a kiss. "Love you, too."

"Still can't believe it."

Jim drifted off to sleep utterly relaxed and satiated, despite knowing it was almost over.

~*~

Leonard woke up to fingertips trailing up his side. "What?"

"He's gone. He should be between us."

Leonard opened his eyes to look into Jim's, across the Leonard-shaped space between them. His counterpart had disappeared into wherever the planet's creations went when they weren't needed anymore. "You're stuck with just me."

Though clearly wistful, all he said was, "That's enough for me." Jim wiggled closer, and they fell back asleep for a while longer.

Much later that day, back on the ship, Leonard and Jim briefed Sulu. Briefly. "Be careful down there. It's… it can be dangerous."

Leonard scoffed at Jim's careful words. "Dangerous? That's like saying Georgian summers might be hot." Leonard eyed Sulu. "I'm not gonna tell you exactly what happened down there. Just be smart, and have fun."

Sulu grinned. "I can't wait. I've been eager to get back, but I couldn't leave Chekov. He's better now, but… That place made him so upset yesterday."

Jim nodded. "Thank you for taking care of him. And taking command for us."

"Of course. I hope you two enjoyed your time."

Leonard snorted. "You could say that."

Raising an eyebrow, Sulu clearly didn't know what to say to that. "Okay… Well, I'll see you tomorrow."

Jim grinned. "Any big plans?"

"Nothing crazy special. Been kinda planning something fun, like a role playing thing. Robin Hood on an adventure, you know."

That sounded… Warily, Leonard asked, "What, like a quest?"

"Exactly! Thought about it yesterday and then came back to the ship before I could really get a plan going."

Clearly trying not to give too much away, Jim said, "Well, enjoy yourself. Think happy thoughts! I mean, not in a Peter Pan kind of way. Just be cool."

After Sulu transported down, Leonard and Jim strolled the halls of the ship casually on their way back to their quarters. Jim's quarters. Whatever. Eventually, Jim sheepishly asked, "We totally stole his quest, didn't we."

"Totally. His idea for a quest, but with your dragon. I kept thinking of him last night, too, how we could have used him for that plant."

"And I kept thinking how we could have used him to fight the unicorn!"

An ensign passing by raised her eyebrows but did not say anything to her superior officers and their tall tales.

"Pretty damn weird away mission, right?" _Like water was wet._

"Is it more or less weird than a typical shore leave?"

"More weird, Jim. Much more weird."

Making sure no one was around, Jim grinned lasciviously. "And pretty damn hot, too."

Shaking his head in exasperation, Leonard asked, "You really trying to turn me on? You came three times last night."

They arrived at Jim's quarters, the whoosh of the door closing behind them a welcome sound to Leonard’s ears. They could finally put all the craziness behind them. "So what if I came three times? That's without planning anything at all. Next time I'll be ready."

"Next time? You want to go down to that nightmare planet again?"

"Now we know how it works. And I don't want to deprive my crew of getting to enact their fantasies."

"Limited fantasies. In small doses. So people don't forget the real world." Too high of a risk for that.

Sidling up to him, Jim asked, "Can I try to make you forget your name?"

"We're on duty in twenty minutes."

"Fine. You're no fun at all."

"I know that. It's a reputation I've worked very hard to build and maintain."

"And yet, you have me."

"Somehow, yes." Leonard smirked. "Maybe next time we're down there I can have two of you."

"Kinky! I don't know if you have the energy for two of me."

"Is that a challenge?"

"Maybe."

They were ten minutes late reporting to duty, and Jim could (happily) barely walk, but Leonard figured it was worth it to prove Jim wrong about his sexual energy. He needed to be knocked down a peg or two.

Anything to keep Jim from getting ideas about going back down to the surface of Omicron whatever. Leonard had had more than enough fantastical excitement, thank you very much. The place was a disaster of epic proportions waiting to happen.

Though two Jims would be quite the challenge...

**Author's Note:**

> The "recludo" plant is loosely based on the Slavic [raskovnik](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Raskovnik) plant.
> 
> The naming of the "Flornems" was based on Terry Brooks's "G'home gnomes" in the _Magic Kingdom of Landover_ series.


End file.
